It’s June 10. I should be in Iowa attending my friend, Renae’s bachelorette party. Unfortunately, I’ve developed a nasty bug and have to stay home. It’s disappointing, but perhaps this is the great woman in the sky’s way of saying, “gurl, you need a moment.”
And, she’s right.
In the past two months, I’ve been through a seriously personal traumatic event, my dear friend left work at our newspaper (which meant a lot more assignments and focused energy than normal for me!), my friend Steven moved back to Tennessee (I’m so thankful he got out of this butthole of a town) and I had to discontinue a contract with my second job because I haven’t had the proper time to dedicate to said second job due to first job. That, also, was heartbreaking for me to do. I really love what that project is doing in our area, and being on the main floor of it felt good. I just hope my passion can still be as dedicated when I’m not on their dime. And I hate to say that, but the amount of time dedicated to my career as a small-town journalist truly is consuming and is taking some adjustment.
I say that with love, too, though. I’ve really began embracing my work in the past two weeks – partly because of our change in staff, but also partly because I am trying to see this sexual abuse stuff as a new beginning for me. New mindset, new framework, new everything –and that is going to take some time to adjust and tweak in itself. So, it’s all about aligning my time and energy to where I want it to go, and right now, it’s going towards taking time to myself for self-healing, but also that energy that I do have goes towards my work as a journalist –honing my craft as a writer, photographer, and learning more and more about layout and graphic design and what not.
So, maybe this second job is an opportunity for the future, for me to be able to work with the school district I grew up in when they apply for this grant. (I actually just sent my supervisor for that grant a heartfelt thank you text because of this journaling heh.) I really believe in this work. I believe in the power of the positive, and I believe in its benefits as both a communication tool, and a goal-setting methodology. It’s fantastic. And I hope it can bring about good changes for the people of this community in the future. That would just be cool to see.
So. Okay, for me? That is just affirmation that I have work to do. I have goals to set for my career, for my community, and for my soul.
––Fair warning, we’re going in pretty deep, here.––
My soul has searched for a long time to find a purpose. As a woman with PCOS and self-image issues due to that, I have felt like a failure as a woman. I feel like my body couldn’t look beautiful enough to attract someone, but even before that, I knew my body would not be able to have the ease of pregnancy like other women, too. I knew I wouldn’t be able to have children, after a certain point of understanding how this disease affected my body. And, knowing now how much I appreciate children and the importance they are to our future, I feel like I was robbed of an amazing opportunity to be a mom. And maybe that door hasn’t shut yet, I know there are options, but there’s something about being able to give the gift of life is something…sacred. And I don’t get to experience that… It kinda sucks.
And, now after all of this stuff from my recent past, I feel like I’m not even worth being cared for by another person. Like.. no other person seeks value in me.
So, I’ve recently learned this about myself, unfolded this from puzzled mind, in the past 5 or so years, right? But at the same time this truth is being unfolded to me? I’m also like totally jazzed about how awesome I think I am. I really do love myself under all of these paradoxical, societal-norms BS. I have self-worth now. And perhaps part of that is coming to the realization that maybe I’m going to be more on my own than planned. (And by planned? I mean by the way society told me I should be – I should have a husband and kids by now, but I don’t so I pursue other options. That’s been the way of the woman, I’m sure since society has come to be.) So, I find strength in myself. I’m proud of who I am and what my understanding of human kind is doing…to itself, to me, to each other. I’m fascinated by all of it.
But I see the tides turning so greatly for human kind, so I understand the importance of being kind to one another, and that is what I want to do. That is what I want my “purpose” to be. To help make things better, and not worse. And if I can do that with my words and my actions, then so be it. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to one another in this crazy world that we work so much better together than trying to be pulled apart. I mean that with every fiber of my being. Terror and hate and rage are easy to fall into. Kindness, compassion and understanding takes so much work – but it is so worth the work.
I’ve been blessed with the art of story-telling, so I’ll continue to share my writing with people who are willing to read. People who are willing to trust someone else with their words to write them down and share with a community. (Even then, I’m still seeing so many politics around journalism, it’s just sad. It should be about trying to improve for the greater good, not trying to boost or deflate egos. Which, unfortunately, is what some people try to do.) It’s about sharing our common experiences and our history so our children can continue to make better changes for this beautiful planet and the people and creatures on it. That’s it, for me.
She went all hippie dippy there, for a minute! Woo! But that’s my view. That’s my perspective, and all of this writing is my story, my history. My corner of the map that may help someone in the future.
Dear future person,
You may feel lost or without meaning or purpose in life, but you will find something, deep in your heart, that moves you toward success. Follow that, even if it contains failure, follow your heart. Follow your purpose until it kills you, haha! For real, if something makes you happy, like writing does for me, do it. Do it with all of your spirit!
And today, I have. After a successful week at the paper, I have. After a great morning of taking time to myself to write on my blog, I have. After paying off my bills, and paying for the continued care of my parents and my cats? Yes, I have done it with all my spirit.
Dr. Jeff Linkenbach’s Positive Community Norms follows a framework of Spirit, Science, Action, Return. I’ve dug my spirit in, deeply, and truly dug for the science and factual evidence in all of my stories I wrote and experienced a hard-earned work week filled with action in my community. So today, I will return and reflect and take time to rejuvenate, so I am able to have enough spirit to take on the next week! So, while mom and dad are away, I’m going to do some reading and some relaxing and possibly some more journaling.
Writing gives me purpose. It feels good. Even when I feel like there are slugs in my sinuses. Just another day in that #ladiekatielife