So, last week was a busy, stressful week for me. Between lots of work, trouble at home, and my self-esteem still taking a back seat to it all, it was a really stressful seven days. Be that as it may, this past weekend, I had enough time to refocus my energy on my goals and what is important to me.
Getting to see my beloved niece on Easter Sunday helped immensely. She’s 5. She’s so smart, and so kind, and so intelligent. Her emotional awareness of others astounds me. I know that will be a gift and a curse for her, so I did my best to spend some one on one time with her. We chose to color and watch Trolls. She came to our house with a letter. The envelope read, “You are awesome. Katie is the best.” Already, my heart was wooed. But when I opened it, I found three drawings. Each of which made my heart swell. One was of my name in pink and purple surrounded by lollipops and bows and all things “Katie,” I made mention to her that the leggings I wore that day had lollipops on it. She knows me so well. The second drawing was of a pink and purple cat. Incredible detail. For a five-year-old. Finally, the last drawing will probably be framed. It is a depiction of herself and her auntie. Standing under the sun and the stars, hand in hand. Both of us wearing our eye glasses, my long, dark hair drawn comparatively to her short, blonde hair. She even gave me big, dark lashes. It was adorable. I am so honored to be that girl’s aunt.
I often find myself wondering what it’s like in her mind, in her world. She has divorced parents. Two places to sleep, two places to eat, two places to call home. Two interpretations of a dissolution of a marriage. Two parents who love deeply, but have two methods to parenting. I just hope she knows how loved she truly is.
It was Mom’s birthday yesterday, as well. Sometimes, I wonder if she relishes in the fact that her birthday sometimes lands on Easter. I wonder if the lines blur between the celebration of Christ’s resurrection and her own birth. On one hand, how powerful to think that we were all given rebirth on the same day she was actually birthed. On the other hand, I feel like it’s a power trip. An “almost holier than thou” mentality. I think I still harbor some anger towards her, as I see her still manipulating everyone around her to do things for her, but I let her have that yesterday, considering it was her birthday. It’s still something I think she needs to work on deep in her heart, but maybe that’s just the way my mom is, and I can’t change it?
I have my annual review at work coming up this week. I’ll be starting my third year, or already have? I can’t remember when I was hired. And though these reviews are necessary, they always make me feel so inadequate. Plus, I’ve been dealing with my own inadequacies in my own mind. I’m prepared though. I have my list of things I want to improve and things I think I am doing well. I am battling that voice in my head that wants to tell my bosses like it is, though. Like how I feel some of the stories are going directly to my coworker because he’s way better than I am…like, they’re not even trying to hide the fact that he gets all the good stuff. First word that comes out of their mouths almost constantly is his name. It hurts. I can’t lie. It makes me feel like I’m stupid. Like I’m not worthy of being in this position, so I try to do my best every single day, and it’s never good enough.
I would like to learn how to accept that their standards and my standards for myself don’t add up. What I think is good stuff, they think is okay stuff. What I think is great stuff is average stuff. …..yeah, I’m done thinking about that. Heh.
What Easter Sunday showed me was what’s important; family, time for renewal in myself and in my surroundings, journaling, self-expression, cats, and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.