Where did all the brightness go?

Sometimes I wonder where all the brightness went in my life. Where did all the bubbly, happy, colorful moments of my life go? When did it become gray and flat and boring. When did it become dark? When did moments lose meaning instead of add to it? Why does every smile seem forced? Why won’t that feeling in the pit of my being, the one that rumbles like a broken cistern and blow billowing smog through my brain, why won’t that go away ever?

I remember days when I had enough energy to get up and do my make up and my hair, and all the other things I loved to do, and now it’s all gone. My make up brushes are gathering dust, and my nail polishes are beautifully untouched.

Where is the real Katie…and who is this empty shell who has taken her place?

You know when you sit in a classroom and the teacher turns off half of the lights but keeps the other half on? That’s what every single day feels like to me. I feel so empty. I feel so helpless. I feel so…inept.

I feel like people are constantly vying for my attention to something, and although it feels like I’m giving my all, it doesn’t at the same time. And I still wind up tired and exhausted and lost after the simplest of tasks.

I take medicine for depression and anxiety. I see a counselor. I’m doing what I should be doing in the eyes of the medical community, but I still feel flat. I do not feel like myself.

The Katie I know and love is the Katie that likes to be silly, who likes to dance, and have fun and be a goofball. This Katie is on autopilot. I get up, I go to work, I come home, I go to bed, and I wake up to repeat it all over again.

What’s weird is that I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to go home…but I am home.

I need help, but I don’t know what for, or what to ask for, or how to get it. I’m floundering in my own head. Every day. Every minute. I’m drowning and there’s no water to be found. I’m silently screaming. There’s 50 lbs of weight on my chest with nothing there.

 

I hope the brightness comes back. I miss it. And I’m not entirely sure how long I will last without it.

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