30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 2

Day 2 says, “Describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.”

First, I will go to the fear I mentioned yesterday, and that is the fear of abnormally large things; i.e. whales, sky scrapers, oceans, those huge-ass teddy bears you can find at Costco, any scale model of something that is huge, etc.

I don’t know how this became such a huge fear besides having an unnerving nightmare about this huge ass teddy bear that took up half of a store and came to life. Sounds like a nightmare a five-year-old would have, but it was much more recent than that, and it makes me look like a child for being so fearful of huge things, but every time I even think of gigantic things, it sends me into a whirlwind of fear that induces a panic attack. I have two types of panic attacks: the common ones that make you breathe out of control, and the ones that are quiet, and silent, and send a whirlwind of images that don’t make any sense, like a daydream, swirling around in my skull. It induces my adrenaline to rush through my body and my heartbeat bubbles in my ears and the sides of my neck, and I keep seeing these flashes of images, like flipping through channels on a TV, and then it all goes away. That’s what it feels like when I see big things. My blood just rushes all over my body, it makes me weak in my knees, and then afterwards, it feels like I’ve stayed up for 24 hours and ran a marathon all at once. My mom tells me its my fight or flight reflex being triggered, but really body? You’re going to fight or flight over a full-scale model of a blue whale when it’s in a museum?  That doesn’t move? Lame! My brain is so wonderful, but I hate that it goes into a tizzy over large things…that don’t even move! Ugh.

Next, my second legitimate fear is not being able to say goodbye, or leaving on a bad note and finding out that the person you argued with passed away.

I think this is a fairly common fear, but it is very real for me. Growing up, my parents argued quite a bit. I like to think that maybe it had to do with my hormonal imbalance, but I was probably just a spoiled little brat. That being said, I always felt terrible after yelling at my parents, or getting into fights with them and after cooling off and gathering my thoughts, I would always be the first to apologize to them. It just terrifies me to my core – the idea of not being able to say goodbye to someone you love before they’re gone forever, or even leaving on a bad note. You never know what could happen between the next time you see them or are with them, and I never want that to be a bad experience for either of us. Take this last Saturday for example. I went to go visit my niece and her mom at their home. That whole day, both my niece and I were on two totally different planes of existence. We weren’t connecting like we usually did, she wanted to go explore and meet new friends, and I truly was having one of my more bummer depressive days. And at the end of our visit, we just kind of waved goodbye and said see you later, and something felt amiss.  Not moments later, once my mother and I reached our vehicle, my little cherub was running up to the car, with arms wide open, and I enveloped her whole in a gigantic hug. She said that she loved me and I loved her, and that’s the exact thing that scares me. What if my mom and I had been in an accident on the way home, and I just left my niece with a dismissive wave goodbye? How horrible that would’ve been. Maybe this is why people say, ” I love you” so much. To be constantly reminded, that no matter what happens or where we go, we will hold love in our hearts. So, remember that, kids. Be kind with your words, for you never know what could happen to you within a moment’s notice.

Third, my greatest fear is being forgotten.

And I will be. And we all will be. But it’s something that mankind has been striving to achieve since the dawn of time – putting his or her mark on the world. And we do, in our own ways. I know when I go, I will have friends and family that will mourn my leaving to the great cosmos. But, I would love for my words to continue floating on around the universe. Someday, I want children to quote me in their first speech papers. I want to be used many times over in keynote addresses and the like. But that more than likely will not happen. Who knows, honestly, but I predict, like the millions of others who have died before me that I will just be another name on another grave in another cemetery filled with ash and rot. It sounds morbid, yes, but it’s the truth. We all die. We are affected by death so much that we do insurmountable things to try and prevent that from happening, but it happens. To each and every one of us, no matter what. I just don’t want to be forgotten. I am not looking forward to becoming just another name on a headstone, but I will. And I swallow that pill bitterly every day. Death is scary. Thinking your existence on this planet meant nothing to most, to me, is even scarier. But for so many, that’s the way it goes.

Ok, you morbid piece of shit writing challenge, you’ve thoroughly curbed my Tuesday into a mournful peek into my funeral and shit, and this is after having interviewed a mortician for our weekly paper in Blue Earth, so I’m done with this junk.

Tomorrow’s writing challenge is gonna be tough. Stay tuned!

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