Yesterday was rough.
I found that one of the boys that I really, really liked, whom I’ve met and known for quite a long while became “Facebook official” with another gal. I’ll admit, it stung. I felt (and still feel) our connection was pretty solid, but I think what it really comes down to is distance. He’s in Wisconsin, I’m in Minnesota, and we only got to see each other three times in the two years we’ve hung out.
Usually, I’d be more upset. I’d be devastated. But I really do care about this guy, so I really hope he finds happiness with this lady. And I told him that. I also told him that I’ll always be there for him in whatever way I can be. Because that’s what friends do. Friends or companions or whatever the fuck you want to call what we have/had. I wish him only the best as he truly deserves the best.
That being said, it means I start back at square one (as mentioned yesterday in my moody post about giving up on dating.) I’m sure this subject will be brought up in my next therapy session, and a lot of feelings of worthlessness and shitty self-esteem will come oozing out. It’s pretty much a guarantee at this point. Which really makes me reflect on the last four months, since everything happened. And that’s the date that I’ll probably use for quite some time, considering it was a rebirth of sorts, for me.
So, upon reflection, I feel like I’ve been on somewhat unstable ground, emotionally. And from what Dr. B says, that’s okay. I’m healing. She’s brilliant and I love my therapist so much. This past week, I told her that I’ve felt really guilty about not hanging out with friends and not doing too much extra socially, and she said something that I hope I never forget. She said: if you had a gaping wound and your friends asked you to come hang out, would you go out? Answer: no. You’d give yourself the rest you need to feel better to go hang out. And that’s what I need to do. She also asked me why I was putting my friends’ happiness before my own.
That’s what I’ve been doing almost my entire life! I’ve been putting other people’s happiness before my own. I’m a people pleaser and I feel like I always have been. And where does it get me? It gets me shoved around from job to job, getting taken advantage of by men, and by coworkers and non-profit groups and pretty much anybody I give a moment to listen to. Friends. Parents. Everybody – they’ve all been put before my own happiness. And the crazy thing is? When she asked that question, I wondered what my own happiness even was. Have I ever put my own happiness first? Have I ever allowed myself the time and space I need to feel good about myself? To feel safe? To feel WORTH anything? (Insert Aughra voice from “The Dark Crystal”) Don’t know. (stretches down to her haunches on the floor with a loud grunt) Don’t know.
So here’s my next question: what do I do now? Now that I’m on this path to my OWN happiness? I don’t know where to go…and I don’t mean physically go, I mean mentally and emotionally go. I don’t think I know how to put my emotional needs before someone else. This is new to me. Yeah, sure I’ve taken time for myself and whatever, but I haven’t put it as the first thing on my list, ya know? I feel like there’s a difference between treating myself to a shopping venture and really delving into allowing myself permission to say no and to do what I want to do. It’s a complete and utter “fork in the road” scenario. And I don’t know what road will take me where. I’m so lost. And now, I know for sure, that I’m alone in this. So there’s some pressure in my thinking that says, “no matter where you go, it’s on you – even the mistakes.” Yikes. But mistakes help us learn, or so they say.
This would be the part in my Pocahontas movie where the wind brings all of those pretty leaves and tells me exactly where to go because good ol’ Mother Willow is on my side, but real life isn’t Disney, kids. So, it’s trial and error from here on out for a while. A time for change – a time for learning – a time to truly take time to reflect on my truths that I’ve experienced and find what makes ME happy. Not someone else.
My goals for today: kick ass at work, go home and get my laundry and cleaning done, enjoy the evening to the extent that I can, which may include reading/writing/potentially going for a walk. Tomorrow, I’m going to take AMAZING photos for work at Saturday’s event, go to the play to support my little mentee and hang out with my friend Dom, and then ALLOW MYSELF SOME FREEDOM. Whatever that may be.
I’ve got this. I’ve got this. I’ve got this. I’ve got this. (I’m hoping the more times I type it, the more I’ll believe it – much like Jack Nicholson’s character in “The Shining”– I’ve got this.
(Insert another “Dark Crystal” reference when Gen finds out he has to go on this huge journey without the help of his master:) “Dear, dear Master. I’ll find the shard. I’m not ready to go alone…Alright, alone then.”